Rant#1

I have been trying to solve a paper since morning; hours have been passed and I can't get it done. Its just 50 blanks which I have to find it from the given chapters and I just can't.

A Song. An old Indian movie song is stuck in my head and it keeps on repeating every after a minute at the background and I don't even know that song well enough. Its the freaking tittle line and I feel like it will last forever. Please get the heck out of my head?

Noises. noises. everywhere.

 the water pumping machine,

 the sewing machine on which my mother is sewing something.

 the television.

siblings talk

the washing machine

and this songggg.

Decluttering.

 You rise every time when you fall.

But, what if you stumble, and fall every minute you walk up? You start wobbling and tilting when you try to stand straight. From here to there, just a single step forward, and dhrum* dhrum* bhrrom*! Three steps down, in another moment you come to know someone has slipped again and when you come back into your senses, you realize it is you on the floor; clinching eyes with a frown on the mouth, just pretending to die for a moment or maybe praying to pass out.  Why the heck I did not see that. This is insane.

Oh. Yes, you are insane. Not because you fell again but cause’ you did not count how many times you stand back on your feet. This shall to pass and you will learn.

      But what if someone likes being on floor?  This temporary place becomes permanent? Isn’t a lot easier then? No more bruises or blood dripping down through ankle or knee, no more tears. You learn to accept things as they are now. Gulping down the fact that you are a looser, loner and stupid, eventually the struggle ceases. Things get incredibly easy when you learn accepting your faults, when you know them. Don’t they?

       Sigh* you surrendered that easily? Are you running away? Why do you even worry if things get out of your hand? Or something bad happens to you? You got nothing to loose coward. Try facing it; if you can’t then stop complaining about others and question yourself, what are you doing? All you are doing is withdrawing from your empty account. Please, deposit in it first. Do you happen to know where that strong person is? which I used to know; after some time, may be a year later you will laugh about all this and thanks Allah for making you go all through hard time. It only makes you strong, stronger than ever before.

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                

To be reactive or not to be?

They bring hate into your peaceful life, destroy your inner peace, destroy personal relations,  and all you are left behind is with loneness even when you are surrounded by people. They bring insecurities in your life and you get lost in a room with 100s door in it, and every door has 100 doors in it; they hunt you down, their high pitched shout echoes in ear, follows you everywhere, chase you like a dead-man’s ghost chasing to take revenge and you don’t find any place to hide. Carving haterism, piercing your heart out, you scream, scream with pain and no one hears you. They can drive you irrational, crazy, leaving you insane, forcing you to get hollow. Hollow from inside, pressurizing you to become friends with selfishness, they carry petrol to burn you down at any moment you can see the bright light, yellow light, red light, no more black shadows up on the sky, flaring up the sensitive emotions with sound of roaring, blaring, and explosions and smoke everywhere; or drag you into a hole, the black hole and you don’t get a chance to use your senses; within a minute you become an unknown for others; people forget you or vindictively keep torturing you, play with your feelings and sentiments, evoking you until and unless you show some reaction and all you want to do is to show some patience; if you don’t want to  hurt the other person as much you are now. They are words. Either way they have huge impact on anyone's life, choose them wisely. They make you or break you.

Twinkle in your eyes with a touch of sarcasm

That disturbing smile of yours; that faded grin

I know you are good at it, but I will not let you win.

Not this time.

YOU!

No matter what happens. I'll always miss you and love you in a discrete way (only bhaiyo and friends walla!) where ever you go,you will always be in my thoughts. May Allah keeps you all healthy and wealthy and May your all dreams come true and May you find your true love soon. Ameen. 

(Just because I was missing you chuzzu) ;) 

All I connected is you!

All I want is you to be happy

Not some bunch of people saaying stuff to you

And that part of you being stupid saying all mean things to yourself

You dare call yourself a retard....!!

You are way better and amazing than that.

Why the hell people ask me a reason to love them?

I just love you cause' you are you. 

and that's it..!

When I get all down and sad, you cheer me up. Even if you have to insult me. 

Yea right, Beegar gai hai tuu..

petrol daal k aag laga deni chahye tujhy

sansaar kar dena chahyee!!

If you wanna hear that? then hell nooo! Jahil.

Become an opimist you weirdo!

Because I know you are love

And I believe you alone can shake the world

Just keep your mind healthy

Don't waste your time!

when you know, you can do a lot..

P.S: We fight a lot and apologize but after making each other look and feel so bad; we don't talk now much as we used to do cause' you know; we may get all emotional and sentimental at times (I blame you); we may crack jokes on each other (I know, I am sucha dork some times); we may insult (I deserve that as well as u); we may get mad at each other and curse(LOL we do this everytime we talk)..

But even after all of this we are we! You have always motivated me, keep doing that.. I might will need you soon to make me Me again. I owe you big times. THANKS. 

Ninteen.

 Such a dramatic change in life. Oh my god! I am nineteen now. Just few years ago, I was celebrating sweet sixteen and now, here I am in my last year of teen. Time has gotten a jet engine.I assume.

 I was expecting a good change but  nothing really got changed. In fact, I got more annoying and irritating. 
My birthday didn't come as I expected, it was my one of the dark days of life though. I cried all day without any reason. My whole week was literally the backstage. I got involve in a fight with family, didn't even stopped on that and fought with my bestie and lost him. Somehow, the fight was related with everyone. 

Ahh!! my life is such a Turkish drama in which they regardlessly drags the drama scenes into days and months and kill people in the end as well. 

Is this just me? or I took the shock of being nineteen way too seriously.

My mum sew a dress for me, and guess what!! it got stuck on my bottom. shiz!! I have gained too much weight. I really need to exercise or else I will turn into a balling pin.lol. (I guess, I am exaggerating a lot)

I have gotten a haircut yesterday. They are really short now, just up to my neck. I'm embracing it way too much!

Coaching exams has messed up my mind. Totally. My very half brain is quarter now.

My sister says, Rida. Can I get something from you? I know it's hard for you but, u can try.
Me: (interrupting) yea, sure.
She: Can u be normal. please?

My friend asked me to brought ''Card Reader'' from home and I bought a ''Card rejister'' for her. What was I thinking?lol. 

I have 4000+ unread mails from unknown sources mixed with my personal mails. damn. I got too much junk to clear but, not getting enough time.

One of my subject teacher in coaching center is always degrading students, not everyone. but he thinks we are ''Paindoos'' comes from a village and don't know anything at all and it was disturbing me a lot. So, I e-mailed him thanking him for notes, gave him some suggestions and shared a link to pronounce word correctly. The very next day, he called me ''Qayamat''. Seriously? knowing English Language can made this huge impact on people? Well, he knows my name now and thinks I am smart. -__-

Literally everyday, I see cows eating plastic bags and stuff from the garbage near the street gutter and it drinks water out of a puddle. It just grosses me out to think about that cow's milk supplying to someone. Ew!!

Talking about gross thing and impurity. The ARY NEWS SHOW, ''SAIRAY AAM'' has totally made my mind not to eat anything from outside. I remember enjoying ice lolly, that street wala bun Kabab, or full ketchup walay french fries. Now I can't think of eating anything, even though I carve for them. sometimes.lol.

The month of Muharamm is almost here now, I really wish and hope that everyone stays safe, the dear ones of every family. May Allah be with all of em'. Ameen.

The very great Rumi once said, ''Respond to every call that excites your spirit''.

 umm..I think my spirit is calling me and telling me that I have a English paper todaay, including the novel, prose and poetry.
 naaaaaaaaaa.. Sis. That's not excitment, that's called stress.lol I am doomed, haven't done anything about it at all. Gotta run now. Fingers crossed.  

Beeepp!! Make a way. It's rush hour??

Beep beeep, Honk honk!!! I-am-soo-done-with-these-noises.My head is driving crazy. I feel like my ear drums are about to explode in about any moment. People really should learn some patience while driving especially in jammed traffic. What's the point of honking behind people when the light is still red or if it is green the traffic is still jammed packed? Will that make traffic to clear off? No way! It will only make everything worse then it was before. Ahh!! We do not have flying cars. Not yet.May be in upcoming future, but now? Heloo?? I wish, I could banned this beeper thing in cars. I really do. Great thing I am not in traffic controlling system. 
This quote just made me realized to see this issue differently. Since, I really don't know if I will be able to do something about it or not. But I can change my behaviour towards it. As it is said before Learn to accept the things you cannot change” (umm..  I guess it  was something like this)

Here,
“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, 
wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a 
celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”

― Jarod Kintz

Listen for once- Please listen.

I want you to listen instead of pretending. There are thousand's of unspoken words you can hear if you just listen. Observe me, Listen what my eyes have been speaking, look here they are screaming out loud. Give it a look; for once.

You think you know me. You think you understand. I bet you would if you would see behind the fake smile  I wear, behind the fake life I am living. Don't get fooled, I wear mask and beneath every mask there's another me who is all veiled and phony.
For once, listen to the words I am not saying. For once, try to understand than to be understood
I might look strong, I might look happy, I can make you sure that, I am secure and confident but the truth is I-am-not-the-person-you-know. I might look angry but I'd be accepting my mistake and if it is yours I am open and forgiving for you, for us. I might be laughing now but crying deep inside, I might be frustrated at things at times, I get mood swings all the time. There's always a reason for everything, every act we do, there must be. If you just give a one shot- not your best shot, will know why, but only for now try.
I admit, I need you, more than I need water and food to live. whenever you show some interest within me, I want to pour my heart out to you. It takes lot of courage and when I become successful  at gathering all my strength but, by then you again reformed into cold, you spaced out and detached. Is it fair?
I might be good at hiding my feelings and pretending everything is ''okay''. Yet, I am still asking to give a try. Just for once listen to the words I am not saying. Please listen.